August 26

My usual routine is to go to bed around 10 pm.  Getting to sleep is easy.  Staying asleep is another thing.  If I am lucky, I sleep until 3 am, then I am awake for a couple hours.  I use the time to pray, meditate, read, and nourish my mind.  Last night, I was inspired to update my blog.  What should I write?  Well, I was in a ball tournament this past weekend.  Our team came in 3rd place at provincials.  My groin is stretched 7 ways from sundown.  It's what happens when you get on base.  You run a lot.  Fast as you can.  I also had then opportunity to have supper with Mary and Luvisa on Friday night and Sunday night.  Morgan was in a golf tournament for the weekend.  The Bug is learning new things every day.  Yesterday, she was showing me how she can roll from her back to her stomach.  She brings so much joy just by being.  Mary is such a good little mama.  She is making Judy proud.  Haley and Dustin were enjoying the last week of Haley's vacation at their Memorial Lake cabin.  Last Wednesday, Haley and Dustin invited me to the lake to spend the day on their new wakeboard boat.  I love how my girls and their hubbies look after me.  I am thankful for my friends too.  People just seem to call at the right time to invite me out for coffee.  The conversations are rich. I am also thankful for my backyard, my deck, and my zero gravity chair.  Some of the most pleasant hours of summer were spent reading, snoozing, and visiting on my back deck.  I have spent many hours reading the books that Judy read in her last years.  Judy had the habit of sticking tabs on pages that she found meaningful.  Sometimes the books look like porcupines with all the tabs sticking out.  How I wish that she was here to discuss the ideas in the books that brought her comfort and meaning!  Her last books...Proof of Heaven, The Power of Now, The New Earth, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, and there are other books... I try to understand what gave Judy comfort.  I read the little side notes.  I have a general sense of the ideas that helped Judy find meaning in life.  But I don't really know, nor does it matter that I don't know.  We are all on a journey and our journey is like a snowflake.  No two journeys are the same.  God is with us on that journey.  He never leaves us.  nothing can separate us from His love.  When we die, love lives on, He is still with us.

August 8

I spent the last weekend at Memorial Lake with my gang. Mary, Morgan, and Luvisa in the trailer, Haley and Dustin in their new cabin, and me in the man cave (an 8x8 wooden shed behind the trailer also referred to as The Condo).  On Saturday evening, I enjoyed a potluck with the old Lake Family.  It was just like old times. I ate until my belly button flipped outward.  I laughed even when I didn't hear what was so funny.  The three days I spent at the lake are the most days I have spent at the lake since Judy died.  Funny thing...being at the lake makes me miss Judy more than when I am at home.  The lake was happy times, not that our home wasn't happy times, but memories of Judy and me the lake are more vivid probably because we were together there without the 10 000 things that usually went on in our everyday life at home.  Every little wasp trap and camping gadget remind me of Judy.  She loved lake time.  Drinking wine by the fire, trying to rid the world of flying insects, watching The View on farmer vision, lake clothes, and many other things are reminders of the lake experience we shared.  Another funny thing...grieving Judy's loss is more intense now that nearly 3 years have passed.  The first year was relief from watching Judy suffer for 7 years.  The second year was a little more intense.  This third year is crushing.  Feels like someone is standing on my chest some days.  I have to work at being excited about anything.  Grief comes in waves, uninvited.  Hard to explain, but you can't go over, around, or under...you have to go through grief.  No escape.  If you don't grieve, you are not human.  Everyone's experience is unique.  They say there are 5 stages of grief.  You go back and forth in the stages.  There is no particular order.  The journey is circular, not linear.  You never get over grief, but I am sure time takes away the sting.  That's life.  You have order, then something comes along to cause disorder, and finally you have to re-order your life.  I'm sure I will come through this stronger, but right now, I am just not that strong.  I do what I can.  I stay active.  I force myself to stay connected.  I eat healthy.  Every day, I give and I grow.  I read.  I meditate.  I contemplate. I openly share with people the struggles I am going through, and I pray.  Moreover, I try to shine light and love in the world.  I forgive.  I give thanks for my daughters, Luv Bug, my sons in law, my dear friends, my family, my home, my activities, my health, and every little experience that comes my way.  I have learned to be content with aloneness which is different than loneliness.  And while I breathe, I hope.  And I have faith which is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things yet unseen.