I think this is the third year that Pastor Ali asks me to preach on the Sunday following Easter. That means I have become the guy who preaches on Thomas, the disciple. I have come to love this guy. Two years ago I presented the idea that to be a doubting Thomas is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a good thing. Thomas was a guy who liked to ask questions and risk the potential embarrassment of admitting he doesn’t understand. I’m sure the rest of Jesus followers were incredibly confused but they are afraid to ask questions. Thomas was brave enough to say that he didn’t understand. He needed to understand so that he could better follow THE WAY. Church legend describes how Once Thomas did understand the Good News Gospel he was inspired after the Resurrection and Pentecost to spread the gospel. Thomas traveled over 3000 miles to southern India where he established multiple churches and was eventually martyred for his acts of faith. But in the Western church, Thomas has had the stigma of being Doubting Thomas as if doubting was a bad thing. Asking questions was somehow associated with lacking faith. However, I want to assert: Asking good questions leads to knowledge. How many of you remember the Scientific Method you learned in Grade Seven science. Question. Hypothesis Method Apparatus Results Conclusion. To doubt is to ask questions admit the possibility there is more to learn. To confess you don’t have all the answers and may be sure there is an answer. To have questions is to be honest about the world and the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing on life’s way. Having doubt is not the opposite of faith. Doubt is the opposite of certainty. I am more afraid of people who claim certainty because certain people believe they have nothing else to learn. They know everything there is to know. In effect, they have made a god of themselves. This is called idolatry. To doubt is to leave yourself open to seeking. To doubt is to reject rigidity and dogma. People with a heart of exploration and openness put into practice what they have experienced and know to be true. They have true faith. Faith is something you put into practice, not a purity code or a system of beliefs that are espoused to prove we are righteous. Faith is a way of living and a way of knowing. If you begin with doubt, then you are able to go forward in faith. Faith is a practice. When we go forward in faith, doubt travels with us.
Okay, there’s your review.
Today, I want to add another layer to the Thomas story. Thomas and the rest of Jesus’ followers were in a room. A week earlier, Jesus had appeared in the same place, but Thomas was not present. This time Thomas was present. He had a personal experience of doubt then faith. Now I want to step back into the broader context. Jesus followers had been with Him for over two years or more. They had witnessed healing and feeding. They had heard Jesus teach, calm the storms, make water into wine, etc. Although their experience was not Club Med, they were all together and life was generally good. I am guessing that from the time they were born, life was not easy by any means, but comfortable as it was for most. They were Jews. They fallowed the law as best they could. Life had its ups and downs. I am sure that the times they spent with Jesus were exciting times. A little confusing to get used to Jesus parables and radical ideas, but generally, life was good. Surely, they could have lived out their life in this pattern quite comfortably. Then all hell broke loose. Jesus, the one they were following. Their security blanket. Their beloved teacher. The best guy they ever met. The one who could perform miracles. The one who gave so much promise and hope was taken into custody for blasphemy. He wasn’t given a fair trial. He was crucified and hung on a cross with two common criminals. It wasn’t safe being associated with Jesus. Jesus followers knew their lives were in danger too. One of the disciples denied he even knew Jesus. The followers of Jesus were living in fear and confusion. Even after Mary Magdeline visited the tomb where Jesus was buried and claimed the stone was rolled away and later she actually talked to the Risen Lord. In spite of the news of the stone being rolled away, Jesus followers were holed up in a room hiding in fear. They had no direction and no hope. Then Jesus came to them and offered them peace and breathed the spirit into them. He gave them hope and he gave them a mission of forgiveness. Out of this incredible dark, fearful, and confusing time, they came away with new hope. HOW WONDERFUL WAS THEIR JOY AS THEY SAW THEIR LORD.
There is a pattern here. A significant pattern that I want to point out. The soul is always freed and formed through dying and rising. What Richard Rohr calls a cruciform reality. A devotion I read on Friday describes the pattern of death and resurrection beautifully.
Death and life are two sides of the same coin; you cannot have one without the other. Each time you surrender, each time you trust the dying, your faith is led to a deeper level and you discover a Larger Self underneath. You decide not to push yourself to the front of the line, and something much better happens in the back of the line. You let go of your narcissistic anger, and you find that you start feeling much happier. You surrender your need to control your partner, and finally the relationship blossoms or ends. Yet each time it is a choice—and each time it is a kind of dying. It seems we only know what life is when we know what death is.
The mystics and great saints were those who had learned to trust and allow this pattern, and often said in effect, “What did I ever lose by dying?” Or try Paul’s famous one-liner: “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). Now even scientific studies, including those of near-death experiences, reveal the same universal pattern. Things change and grow by dying to their present state, but each time it is a risk. We always wonder, “Will it work this time?” So many academic disciplines are coming together, each in their own way, to say that there’s a constant movement of loss and renewal at work in this world at every level. It seems to be the pattern of all growth and evolution. To be alive means to surrender to this inevitable flow. It’s the same pattern in every atom, in every human relationship, and in every galaxy.
If this pattern is true, it has been true all the time and everywhere. Such seeing did not just start two thousand years ago. All of us have to eventually learn to let go of something smaller so something bigger can happen. But that’s not a religion—it’s highly visible truth. It is the Way Reality Works.
We die to our old selves and thus become something different. I am not the person I used to be. I am not the person I was 30 years ago. Thank God. I am not the man I was 5 years ago. I will not be the same in 10 years. We will go through dark periods of life. We seldom go willingly into these periods, but it is in these dark periods that we are transformed through doubts and questions not answers. And go through hard times, we must. Wisdom teaches us that there will be pain in life. Times with pain, no answers or quick fixes. Times without meaning or conclusions. Ironically, the way down is the way up. Wisdom also teaches us to let the pain and the suffering transform us. We learn and grow from the tough times in our life. Sometimes the hard times are a result of our failures and transgressions. Sometimes bad things just happen. No one’s fault. By falling down, we learn almost everything that matters. The pattern is always order, disorder, reorder. The old must die before the new can be born.
I am going to get personal with you now. Let me take you back to 2009. Judy and I were getting ready to retire with our big, fat teachers’ pension. We were remodelling the kitchen. The girls were just about to start their education careers. We had a blessed life with two beautiful children, wonderful friends, supportive families…Life was good. Winter getaways. Dinner clubs. Judy and I were getting recognition for our long teaching careers. Our little family had enjoyed a charmed life of meaningful careers, time spent with Grandpas and Grandmas, Christmas concerts, Christmas Feasts, Thanksgiving meals, birthday celebrations, summers spent at the lake, coffee on the deck, sports and leisure. Watching our girls grow in wisdom and grace. It was Camelot. Then came cancer in April 2009. In the next 7 years, there would be 104 chemo treatments, 28 radiation treatments. 7 major operations. Hospital visits and specialist appointments by the hundreds. The kitchen Reno which was supposed to be completed in February was completed in September. Judy and I retired in 2011 although Judy had to use her extended benefits for her last year. Because of Judy’s treatments, we weren’t able to travel the world as some people desire. We had to move Judy’s parents into assisted living in 2011 so we had long hours of cleaning out 60 years of accumulated possessions from Judy’s childhood home. Judy’s dad died in 2012 after breaking his neck. My dad died in 2013. Again, I had long hours of cleaning out years of memories from my childhood home. Judy’s mom died in May, 2015. Judy had two major operations in 2015 at Vancouver General. In October 2015, Judy went into the hospital for her last major operation. She wouldn’t come out of hospital. Judy died on February 21, 2016 after being moved to palliative care. There was a brief respite for a while because Judy no longer had to suffer. But grief is a reality that cannot be avoided. You have to go through it. Oh, I tried to go around it. But when you’re in it, you’re in it. You can’t lose your life partner, your lover, your best friend and just move on. You are not a couple in a practical sense anymore. You are alone. I couldn’t stand the loneliness. You are also under the magnifying glass. People will watch to see how you react. I want to admit first and foremost that I was surrounded by and incredible amount of love first and foremost from my two girls and their husbands who defend me like mother bears. And my siblings and parents who have always loved me and accepted me unconditionally. And the vast majority of my friends. But there were those who judged my choices. The most hurtful comments came from a few select people who were close to me. I was laid bare by Judy's death and very prone to being hurt, so when hurtful judgements were directed my way by people who had been close to me, I was easily injured. I remember the first Christmas without Judy. I took my crew on a family ski vacation to Fernie. In the days leading up to Christmas, I had experienced abandonment and harsh judgement. Furthermore, it was the first Christmas without Judy. Those of you who knew my wife know that Judy was Mrs. Christmas. She made Christmas the happiest time of the year and she was gone. Christmas Day 2016 was the saddest day of my life. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was dead inside. Then People told me the second year was tougher than the first. They were right. They just forgot to tell me about the third year. It was devastating. There were times in this last year when I was not sure I could get through the day. The feeling of grief was a cross between wanting to cry, choke, and throw up. There were times when I was on my knees just crying. There were no wise words that would provided comfort. There was nothing that could take away the pain of living. Grief became depression. I’m not sure where one ends and the other begins. It certainly helped that I had the love of my girls, their husbands, my family, and many close friends and I mustn’t forget the love I felt from seeing the beautiful face of my granddaughter . It also helped that I stayed very active, ate healthy foods, and did not isolate myself. You probably know that Alvin Kolach loves to emote and emote I did. I was greatly helped by the counsellors at the cancer clinic and from a private counsellor. I also received support from my special life giving friends who made time to meet for coffee. In spite of all the things I did right, I still had to do the hurting. In July 2018, I decided to go on happy pills. You do what you have to do. Depression and grief aren’t like a little sadness. They are is big sadness. If you haven’t experienced it, you really can’t appreciate the magnitude of emotional pain.
Then came the reorder. I stuck my hands in Jesus’ side. All this pain led me to seek some answers that would reorder my life. I will withhold the details right now. That’s another sermon. Let’s just say, I have learned some new and wondrous things. Out of great pain comes great learning and growth. I am not the man I was a year ago. The certainty that I lived by before gave way to doubt and the doubt led to questions and the questions led to experiences and discoveries and the experiences and discoveries led to answers. Out of all the disorder came reorder. I am in a better place now. Last week, I took my last happy pill. The pills had helped, but the real solution came from having doubts and finding answers. I know I haven’t reached nirvana. The work continues. The cycle of death and resurrection, order, disorder and reorder will continue for the rest of my life.
To conclude, let me just encourage you to be like Thomas. You will never have all the answers. Don’t be afraid of doubt. Ask questions. God can handle your questions. Life can be tragic, but the good news is: we can survive and even grow from this tragedy. God’s favor lasts a lifetime;weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment