October 23

October 23, 1980 was when I broke my leg and had to be air lifted from Hudson Bay, Saskatchewan to Saskatoon.  I spent the fall, winter, and part of the spring with my leg in a cast.

It has been a while since I have blogged.  What have I been up to?
Well, I have been busy.  The summer was spent playing 4 games of ball on average every week.  I probably golfed about 30 rounds...half my yearly average.  I also went kayaking about a half dozen times in addition to lots of bike riding and walking.  In the fall, I started playing hockey in the 60+ league at Schroh Arena.  I am also playing volleyball on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

My travels during the summer included trips to Edmonton, Moose Jaw, Grasslands Park, Kelvington, Winnipeg, and Greenwater Provincial Park.  I didn't spend much time at the lake.  I knew holidays and other firsts were going to be hard, but spending time at the lake was the hardest.  Too many memories.

You may remember me saying that death was a lot like birth.  When you are pregnant, you are going to have a baby.  It's unavoidable.  Similarly, when death approaches, you are going to die.  Mourning is the same.  No one is exempt.  You are going to mourn.  You will feel your losses.  I have to admit that I was doing quite well in April, May, and June.  There was a sense of relief because I wasn't tied to the Cancer Clinic, hospital visits, medical appointments, chemo treatments, and I didn't have to watch Judy suffer anymore.

The month of October has been particularly rough.  The weight of grieving has settled in.  One major factor affecting my emotions has been the memories associated with October 7, the day Judy had her operation last fall.  Grief or trauma or whatever you want to call the condition comes uninvited.  Sometimes I feel incredibly sad and it's not because of a precipitating thought or action.  Grief just side swipes me. The feeling is like shortness of breath and nausea all wrapped into one.  Those who have traveled this road will know that crying brings some relief.  Wisdom related to grief directs me to lean into my grief.  Just feel it.  Don't try to push it down or avoid grief.  Cry, write down my feelings, face the grief...

I do all right when things are sunny, but the least bit of adversity... a negative comment, a misunderstanding, or a disappointment brings me down.  I am not as resilient as I used to be.  The Alvin Kolach that most people have come to know was light-hearted, easy going, and coated in Teflon.  That's a tough act to maintain.  Let's just say I have lost my mojo. In the last 8 months I have experienced some of the most intense emotions ever.  My heart is raw.

In response to grief,  I have been trying to take it easy on myself.  This fall was the first fall since 1962 that I haven't prepared for a school year.  I did not renew my contract with Prairie Spirit School Division as Conveyance Manager.  I am not substitute teaching or doing ukulele workshops.  I'm just being a full time athlete.  Keeping busy with sports, going for coffee with friends, and completing the "to do" list are therapeutic.  I also avoid watching depressing movies and TV shows.

They say that grief diminishes with time, but the pain never totally goes away.  The fact that a wonderful person like Judy died at an early age will never seem fair.  I won't even try to philosophize about the benefits of dying early.  There are no golden nuggets that cover the price that Judy paid.

The girls are doing remarkably well.  They are doing the right things.  They are grieving.  They are remembering their mom every minute of the day.  Thank God they both have wonderful partners who support them and love them relentlessly.  Both girls are carrying on Judy's legacy.  They are honoring Judy by the way they live their lives.  They approach their careers with passion, hope, and common sense exactly like Judy did.  Judy lives on and her dreams are being actualized by Haley and Mary.  One of the greatest challenges the girls face is what Haley calls "Talking people down off cliffs".  That is to say, both girls have experienced situations where they should be the ones being comforted, but they end up comforting those who should be comforting Haley and Mary.  This is a thing that Judy would never have tolerated.

I don't know whether I will blog at the torrid pace I blogged last year, but I shall try to get the juices flowing again.  My motivation will not be to keep people informed.  My motivation will be to heal through expressing my thoughts in this blog.  Writing about my thoughts and feelings is therapeutic.  I'm sure that as I continue blogging you will see the old Alvin emerge again.  Who knows...I may even get my mojo back.